My mother and I have had a rocky relationship for about the last ten years. I'm 25 years old and went through the typical teenage rebellion like most females I know. After I went to college and things got a little better, mostly because I wasn't home a lot. The real problems really started after graduation. I was hired as a journalist three months after graduation but the pay was extremely low, so I was forced to continue living at home. A year later, I went back to school to get my certification to teach elementary education and haven't been able to find a job. (I live in Western PA, where it's very competitive and all about contacts.) My mother seems to be less than supportive about certain things that I do and it has really built up over the years. For example, when I was a journalist, the paper I worked at closed down and I was really upset. My mom had little to no sympathy and said in almost a mocking tone, "Well, at least your boyfriend can come to the rescue." Then she said that life was a journey. I was thinking that I was sure this wouldn't be her reaction if she lost her own job. I am still living at home because I'm a substitute teacher and can't afford to live elsewhere, but am getting married in less than three months (thank God). She's upset that I don't do more around the house, like buy groceries and cook dinners. I can't afford to buy groceries; I make around $14,000 a year and pay $600 a month in student loans, my phone bill and insurance. As for cooking dinner, I'm not usually home and we don't often have family meals anymore anyway. I do the dishes when I am home, though. I know I could be more helpful and probably should, but like anyone else, I hate chores. The other thing is, it's not my house, which has been pointed out to me a multitude of times. This makes me feel even less like helping. Things have recently gotten to a head when my mom and I had yet another long (and mostly pointless) conversation about what we could do to patch up our relationship. In this conversation, she finally admitted that she treats my brother and sister better than me. I feel that she views me as a child and treats me with very little respect. She views me as disrespectful, which I can be when I'm treated poorly. My mother recently decided in February that she was going to sell our house. My wedding is in June. This got me upset because like most brides, I'm stressed out enough about planning and all of the changes. She accused me of being selfish and not ever thinking about what anyone else ever wants. Meanwhile, my dad doesn't even want to move; the whole house thing is all about her, so I felt that was incredibly hypocritical. I'm only getting married once and I want it to be a good experience. What it has turned into is having to leave constantly while people trek through the house almost every day. I feel like she doesn't care about me at all sometimes. A month ago, we went out to eat with my fiance, sister, brother-in-law, cousins and aunt. Before dinner came, my mom announced to everyone that I hadn't gone to the dentist in two years because I don't have dental insurance and can't afford it. I was beyond mortified. I take good care of my teeth and they look great. I don't know why she would do something like this. She claims not to remember it. Things like this happen all of the time and all I can think of is that she never would talk to or about my siblings like this in a million years. She angers me so much that sometimes I want to say something back. (And sometimes I do.) There are times that I don't want the house to sell because it would upset her. I'm ashamed to have these thoughts, but she's hurt me so much that it's hard not to. We've had talk after talk, but it never amounts to anything because both of us think we're right, or at least mostly so. I am in no means perfect. I've done and said things I shouldn't have done many times over the years. I totally admit that. It's just very hard for me to feel so disrespected and viewed so poorly by her. No one can hurt you more than your own mother. I have a little hope that things will improve when I get married and move out, but I don't know if I'm just being foolish and naive. How many times do you try to fix a relationship? How many times do you keep coming back to get hurt again?
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I'm sure that things will improve after your marriage. In the meantime, I can suggest two things. First, put the numbers regarding your monthly income and expenses on paper and show it to her. When she realizes just how little money you have, that should help, as she won't feel that you are taking advantage of her. Secondly, ask her to name two or three specific chores which she would like you to do weekly. Write it down and sign it. Then do those so that, when things start to get messy, she can't say you didn't do your part. I know that it's frustrating for you. But this truly sounds like just a case of parent and grown child trying to get new boundaries without having their own spaces. Hang in there, I'm sure it will improve.
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