My bf's 30, American, an associate attorney. I am Chinese, 29, entry level consultant. We've been dating for 3 years and we are really close. He's been living with him Mom. He told me that he is thinking about spend the rest of his life with me. We just signed an apartment lease for a yr and are moving in together next week. But things he's been doing just keep telling me he is immature. His income after tax is 40K per year, but he spent 10K last year on his teeth procedures, didn't bother to look for a dental insurance plan. I asked him to get a dental plan. It's been two weeks and he hasn't done it yet. He always says "I will do research tomorrow." I don't want to see him spending another 5K on a cavity--he could use that money to buy me a ring. He's been looking for his dream job for 3 years, which requires a career change. He's only got 2 interviews, and is still looking. I told him that he is being unrealistic. If he really wants to change career, he should go back to school and recharge himself with a degree required by his dream job. He told me "I will shine." He is always keeping an eye on TV when he works on his resume, and always waits till the last day to submit job application. I thought because he's been living with his mom so he had no pressure of supporting himself and a family, that's why he didn't have the urgency to look for jobs or manage his finance more responsibly. But now we just signed a lease, he has little money in checking account, and 9K credit card debt. We calculated his income and debt and realize if he doesn't want to pay high interest, there are only 8 months left for him to pay off this debt. Even though currently I am making half of what he's making, I have no debt, and have a few thousand $$ in checking. So I just gave him $2K in cash to lower his credit card debt, and I gave landlord $3K for rent security deposit and first month rent. He said he will pay me back later and pay his share of rent after the first month. May be I am too naïve- I thought with a monthly big payment of rent coming, he will have some pressure and treat his life seriously. I am wrong, because he just told me today is the deadline of a job application so he needs to work on his resume tonight- he spent last night watching football game on TV with his friends. I can't believe this. Some ppl asked: if your bf has so many problems, why are you still with him? Well, he is nonsmoker, nonalcoholic, sweet and cute, doesn't go to bars, no complicated relationship history, generous to his friends and family, homeboy, supporting Obama… Maybe these are common among guys, but I've been dating him only for the last three 3 yrs, and one before him. I don't know if most guys have the same good traits. So, is this a culture difference? Some Americans told me: "You guys are not married yet. That's his life, his money, none of your business. " But to me, if two people are thinking about spending rest of their lives together, aren't they supposed to be thinking about the near future seriously and financially?
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Cultural? Might be, but it sounds like you have your sh*t together, and he doesn't. I think you know what will happen if he doesn't get it together, so why not tell him your concerns. Your commitment is a strong one, so I'm sure that he will be inclined to reach his goals, and you both need to understand what it is that you want your future to hold. You've obviously been supportive, and spent your money in ways that show your dedication, is he recognising this? I hope that he knows how great you are, he may need to be reminded of a few things. Talk to him, tell him what you expect from him. I hope everything works out for you dear. Good luck, Jen
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