I feel like my life was God's first mistake.I did not ask to be here and if he gave me that option I would've gave that opportunity to someone who is more deserving.I know some of you have read questions posted similar to this one,but if only you could understand what I feel.I am this angry,bitter,and sad person inside.I am not respected by anyone,maybe because I do not respect them.I reached out but I was told to help myself,but what if you don't know how?When I was a little girl I never expected for my life to be like this at 24.I am a hopeless mess.I am still living with my mom,who treats me like a kid,which is understandable because I am living in her house without anything accomplished of my own.A few years ago,I was doing way better than I am now.Then I hit a rut in my life.I am in a hole and do not know how to get out.People say take up a activity and do this or that,but what if living doesn't motivate you anymore?? What if seeing the sun isn't as beautiful as it use to be? What if instead of being happy you woke up this morning,you are upset you have to face another painful day?? I often avoid phone calls from old friends because I am ashamed of who I am becoming,not who I became,because it's like I am watching myself deteoriate right before my eyes.My dental problem has stopped my life as well.Feeling like if I go on acting auditions or do my shows(I sing) I cannot compete,because of my chipped teeth in the front.I have no medical or dental insurance,and things are expensive.I have no car,no hang out friends,and if I liked a guy(since I was a teen) he always liked someone else instead of me.My life is horrific.So I sit in my room,where I gained approximately 80lbs in a few years,and listen to my mom and sis tell me what a mess I am.How do you go from being signed by every modeling agency open call you ever went to,to attending college,traveling across country,buying your first car...to having nothing..i mean literally nothing,no car,no bank account,no money to buy nothing at all,no close friends,nothing...??? I am not who I want to be.I just turned 24,but I feel like a old woman.My body is giving up because my heart left a long time ago.My mind is holding on by a string.I have nothing to wake up to in the morning.I keep looking at these morphine pills and a part of me is saying go for it.I just feel like a waste to the world.People that enjoy life die everyday and you got people like me that took their spot,and it's not fair.I hate my name,i hate what i been through and what i am going through,i hate my mistakes,i hate my skin,i hate my teeth,I hate when people compliment me on my skin or say i am pretty,i hate being me,i hate my life,i hate the day God decided to give me life.I hate waking up every morning not knowing what I am going to face.My life is in shambles,so why should I live?? I have no reason to live like this,I can make room on this Earth if I just left it.I am so distraught right now.I just wanted to experience what living was ,since I was given this opportunity to do it.I just wanted to be loved...even if it were a lie,just for a one second,i wanted to be loved.I am so tired,just physically and emotionally drained,i cannot take but so much.I am just a 24 year old young lady,who wanted to try life out.Is this life worth it,when you are worthless??
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Oh honey, I read what you wrote and my heart felt your pain. I wish there was a quick and easy fix but it is not. I am almost going through the same pattern and I am 24 too. Some days are just so painful to go through, I hear you. I know how it feels to not have any motivation and feel lonley and helpless. I understand how hard and overwhelming it is to take control of your life. When I sit down and think about everything that went wrong, I sit down and cry all day. It helps to take one step at the time and one problem at the time. Please don't listen to anyone who puts you down. You need a lot of support and positive people around you. You will get through all these, I promise you but you have to take it slowly and find some small reasons that keeps you going. Please email me if you want to talk more. You are not alone. A big hug!
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